Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Autumn leaves

Time flies when you're having fun. It also seemingly zips past you when things aren't all beer and skittles... The realisation that I could have carried a baby from inception to birth in the time that has elapsed since my last blog entry is testament to the fact that the older we get the faster the years slip through our fingers. As is the usual status quo in my chaotic life, my universe has flipped on it's axis since then and my world barely resembles the one I was existing in last August.

Some things of course only change in slight increments: I've traded the vodka & soda for red wine - the perfect way to spread warmth through my body on cool autumn evenings, and the university study for a new job - no more death by cubicle, but certainly not without it's own unique torture. Other things have metamorphosed on a much larger scale and leave me sometimes searching the eyes that stare back at me in the mirror for a glimmer of recognition of the person I've been for the last 30-something years.

I've given up smoking. The positives of this require no explanation. The negatives however are usually apparent to me after a day in the new job with said wine in my hand... I can cope though. The decision was one born from vanity - there's a certain acceptability for one to partake in smoking and appear semi-glamorous (excluding French women who are an exception to every rule and can make anything look glamorous) when one's face doesn't require manipulation to it's day state upon rising from the pillow each morn (i.e. the under-30 set). My face almost requires papier-machie re-building upon waking some days so it really was a no brainer.

The biggest difference in my life without question though has been the ending of my marriage to A. Without wanting to make a toxic relationship the focus of my blog, it would be remiss of me not to nod to it in order to lead into the far more pertinent and interesting tale of mad passionate love I am in currently that wants to burst forth through my finger tips. I will keep it brief, and autumn does seem like a perfect time to write about it as the dead leaves have just about finished falling and the barren winter that has crept up on us will soon blossom into the spring I am so excitedly anticipating now.

Although the life I had envisaged - dreams, hopes and plans - was no longer a reality, for the longest time I did my damnedest to ignore it. I clung on to a wish that had long ago run out of breath and clawed an existence into A's life despite his blatant disinterest and attempts to sever our relationship (he moved to another country to get away from me for God's sake!). So blinded by my almost adolescent desire for a picture perfect life, I chased him with an almost psychotic vigour, determined to save our marriage and make him see what I was so sure he had just forgotten - just he much he really loved me.

Now before I paint myself as a total lunatic here, my advances weren't rejected when I made them. Why would they be? I was paying all expenses to travel to my husband's side (not once, but six times in the year) while he lived a life most men only dream of - living in a 5 star luxury resort in an exotic tropical location, his job to manage the golf course - which involved 1. playing a lot of golf, and 2. partaking in a lot of socialising (drinking), a wife who would just swoop in and make him feel like a God once every eight weeks and then scoot away home to raise the family and pay the bills. As our time together was so short on each occasion, our trysts were intense and passionate.

Fortunately (I can say that now in retrospect) A & I had one constant that remained regardless of the Pacific Ocean between us. We were like oil and water. We gave Richard Burton and Liz Taylor a run for their money in the tumultuous, repetitive reunion stakes. Almost from day one of our 4 year relationship we tooed and froed and explosively split up and, more importantly, passionately reunited, so many times that I could not honestly hazard a guess at the number. My friends' eyes would glaze over at the mention of his name, else they would avoid my phone call altogether to dodge another round of bitter, acrimonious diatribe which would only be followed up with gushing, glowing accolades in the next breath. You can only imagine their delight when the final thrashes were played out for good across the ocean and the end was called.

The memories that we created are no longer so painful that my brain goes into melt down trying to shield me from them, and although I can't guarantee I'd throw him a line if I saw him drowning in a sea of urine, I do believe that I inadvertently have him to thank for my current delirious state of bliss. The cliche of one door closing for another to open has never rung so true for me before. It really does seem like my life has come together all at once. After four years of a life built with another person, getting used to things on the single side again has at times been a little like to trying to put together a rubik's cube - colourful, exciting, frustrating and occasionally something you want to give up! For the first time in my life though I took the the time to nourish me. I spent time doing the things that matter to me, filling my own bucket. Yoga and real time spent with friends, real time spent alone, real time spent with my children getting to know them again - these are the things that buoyed me. I studied myself and the person I found staring back at me in the mirror turned out to be someone I really dig.

I'm going to save my love affair tale for another entry. It is deserved of space all of it's own. My heart is singing and the realisation that sometimes you have to let some things totally die in order to make way for other things to grow has been like the beginning of a new season in my life. I never knew just how sweet the renaissance of spring could be.