Thursday, August 5, 2010

Melbourne Cup has nothing

So seeing my own words in black and white has given me the kick in the pants that no amount of nagging or cajoling from my nearest and dearest could execute. I'm studying again... Yes, this is a good thing. I will finish that degree, I will be able to (justifiably) tell my children with some authority that university is necessary and that they will have a better quality of life if they just persevere with study for a few years longer, and, I will have a glowing, inside out feeling of self-satisfaction - in the long run. In the short-term I am already (week 3) tearing my hair out wondering what on earth has possessed me to add yet another stone to my already teetering scales!

I have taken today off work to catch up on my readings, which I am already behind in, and have to keep walking away from the fridge and back to the computer reminding myself that this 'day off' is no such thing and that yes, it is waaay too early for a glass of wine... Getting lost in the existentialism of thinking about my view of myself as opposed to the views others have of me (you have to love being a uni student) got me to pondering the different hats I wear in my day-to-day life and just how schizophrenic my personality actually seems on paper...

Firstly, as a mother I have the responsible hat. I guess it can be equated to a full brim school hat, not necessarily something that felt natural (or glamorous) to wear at first, but that now I don't leave the house without. In my role as mother I am the nurturer, the story teller and tuckerinner, the nurse, cook and cleaner and the organiser (not a strong point - my children are constantly reminding me of where we're supposed to be and how we were supposed to be there 20 minutes ago... Darling, it's all about making an entrance!). This hat is, however, my sturdiest. I'm comfortable in it and can switch back to wearing it in the blink of an eye if called upon.

The employee head wear is far less comfortable and really something I only put on out of necessity rather than desire. Kind of like football head gear - sweaty, hard to take on and off quickly and not something I would want to be seen dead in in public. There's no room for movement in it, and the guy who's arse I have my head in has total control of the direction I am heading. Say no more really.

The girlfriend adornment. This is the hat that I can wear in good times and bad - to a party or for 8 hours of shopping. One I can wear with heels and drink shots off the bar in, or wear to a cafe for a 3 hour coffee (sometimes with tissues in tow). This is a hat I can be myself in and never be judged when I wear. I love this hat. When I'm wearing this hat I can (allegedly) carry a doner kebab in one hand and my shoes in the other while I hail a cab with my leg and wait for my girlfriend to extricate herself from the guy she's told she's a lawyer who owns a condo on the river and push her into the taxi before me. This hat has seen a lot and will never tell. Ever.

Remiss so far I guess is the wife hat. It's really a combination of all of the above: mother, paid help and friend. It also must be able to withstand hurricanes, earthquakes (whether the earth shattering is good or bad) and mother-in-laws (see hurricanes). It has to stay on during great sex, drunk sex, angry sex and just plain tedious sex and remain put when juggling any number of balls. It has to look presentable at family gatherings and seem intelligent, but not too smart at husbands' work functions. The amazing abilities of the Cat in the Hat - same same. Yes, this hat does exist. Surely you've seen a rabbit pulled out of one before?

There are too many more to be discussed here: daughter, neighbour, patient, customer, passenger... The list is endless and each one requires some different part of me to stand at the front and be seen. Now, if I can just figure out which hat I need to put on to study... I suspect it might be the one with a wide enough brim to keep my head out of the fridge...




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